Lea is one of four Impact students from Germany currently spending a “gap year” at Liebenzell USA’s main campus. She participates in discipleship classes, engages in various opportunities for spiritual growth, social, and cultural activities, and serves within the Retreat Ministry—primarily in housekeeping. In a series of monthly blogs, Lea has kindly offered to share about her journey with Jesus.
Hey there, it’s me again, Lea!
I want to glorify the Lord through this writing. Please don’t look at me, but at Jesus, who is writing my story.
How did I come to know Jesus?
I was born into a Christian family, so from a young age, I was taught the gospel in Sunday school. We attended church every Sunday, and I believed in God and the Bible simply because that was all I had ever known. But believing in God doesn’t automatically mean you have a personal relationship with Jesus, does it? I’d heard about Him, but did I truly know Him? At that time, I didn’t.
I did surrender my life to Jesus, but over the years, my faith was unstable. There were times when I fully trusted God, and other times when I wasn’t interested in faith at all and ignored Him. I thought I was a “good Christian” because I prayed every night and felt guilty if I didn’t. In reality, I was bound by the law, thinking my actions could justify me—but they never could. As Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
I rarely read the Bible, assuming it was just an old, boring book, too complex to understand.
I felt an emptiness in my heart—something I couldn’t explain, something nothing seemed to permanently fill. I searched for something to fill it, but unfortunately, I looked in the wrong places. Things like movies, TV shows, and books became my escape—temporary distractions that closed the gap for a moment, but in the end, they left me feeling emptier.
As I got older, external influences—especially at school—caused me to question my faith and everything related to it. I didn’t want to believe in a fairy tale just because that’s what I had grown up with. I wanted to know the truth! But the more I searched for it, the more doubts I had, and the more confused I became. I questioned everything the pastor said in church, made fun of it, and didn’t believe it. But all of that was happening in my heart and mind. Nearly no one saw the fight inside of me—I wore a mask.
Why? Because I was afraid.
Afraid of being judged for struggling.
Afraid of admitting I had questions.
On top of that, my family situation at the time was far from easy. Over time, in relation to all that, my heart grew harder through hate and unforgiveness.
I felt trapped on all sides. I had to ask myself: Do I just believe in God, or am I truly following Him? I was searching—restless.
And then, something happened—something that would change everything.
